I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
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Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”