I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
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my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing