I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
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If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.