“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
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My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”