Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
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so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day