I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
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I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*