@TheTweetOfGod: I care more about the outcome of sporting events than any other aspect of human existence.
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@Adam14: When people say "Let's not get off on the wrong foot here", I reply "Please don't get off on either of my feet".
@TheWeirdWorld: What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
@TragicAllyHere: My son was crying and asked, "why doesn't the dog have to wear pants?" And it's like, I don't even know. So now I'm putting pants on a dog.