@TheTweetOfGod: I care more about the outcome of sporting events than any other aspect of human existence.
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@korryduke: Hey people with one syllable names...... Good job ruining the Happy Birthday song. Jerks
@EndhooS: [Calls boss] I won't be in today "Why not?" [camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car] I've got the shits.
@Swishergirl24: I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that's not how pregnancy works.
@vikkaroni: If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.