“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
You Might Also Like
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?