I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
You Might Also Like
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Namaste
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.