I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
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some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Nose
Me :
All Day At Night
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
*puts words between two asterisks*
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”