Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
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My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Beware…..
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.