Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
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i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
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