@Aspersioncast: I carry a knife, but it's just in case of cake.
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@JonasPolsky: I was about to commit suicide, but then a Nicki Minaj song came on the radio -- so I committed suicide twice.
@cambuslad: Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
@Super_Cynthia: [auditions for laundry detergent commercials just so I can splash brightly colored food on myself on purpose]