@Aspersioncast: I carry a knife, but it's just in case of cake.
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@TheTweetOfGod: Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you "work in mysterious ways" and see how far it gets you.
@pixelatedboat: Clinton fan: Emails? That's all you've got? Me: She sold the Saudis the jets that are massacring Yemenis Clinton fan: Emails? That's all you
@jakob_huber: *meets girl for coffee* *sets down blueprints for bank* "What's this?" Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime