I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
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I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
i love modern commerce
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
The Punning Dead.