I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
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RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.