I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
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Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*