I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
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[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Attacked by a mop.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”