I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
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My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.