I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
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I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
I’m not wrong