@mdob11: I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
@Quartzjixler: I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
@MasterOfFury: Everything goes as planned when nothing's planned.
@CakeThrottle: I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
@TheNardvark: Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
@Dishy2101: Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.