@mdob11: I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
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@jordanrubin: "We stopped making the style of jeans that fit you perfectly right after you bought your first pair." -Every store ever
@billmaher: New evidence shows #marijuana not only helps with cancer side effects but may fight cancer itself! Oh pot, is there anything u can't do?
@goodhairperson: I forgot the word "torch" earlier today so I googled "fire on a stick." I have two degrees in English.