@PlainTravis: I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I'd have an excuse to tell passengers, "Where we're going, we don't need roads."

@Teowulf: I just had to add "velociraptor" to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.

@thedad: Wife: can you make the bed Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon

@basit_saeed: When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound: "Please let it be my leg, Lord."

@murrman5: *calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?