The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
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I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”