How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
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I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Pigeon open mic night.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.