@markleggett: I casually mentioned to my cat that I've petted many animals in my time, and she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said "How many?"
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@GrantTanaka: wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn me: ok ok I'll take my shoes off
@CYComedy: Just had too much fun with a woman who lost her son named "Marco" in the supermarket just now.
@DrunksWithGuns: If you blast Foreigner's "I Want To Know What Love Is", the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.