i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
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every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.