I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
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“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him