@Dadsbustednuts: I caught my employee sleeping on my office couch today. I didn't know if I should fire him, or tell him what I did on it last night.
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@UniqueDude2: [reading book report] ME: Beyowulf is the story of a guy that turns into an wolf when he hears Beyoncé TEACHER: Wrong. ME: Well, I tried.
@tastefactory: *watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
@CubanaMama82: I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it's obvious he had no idea how letters work.