@ValeeGrrl: MY SON: [standing over drawer full of socks] MOMMA I CAN'T FIND ANY SOCKS ALSO MY SON: [sees one grain of pepper on his chicken] EW PEPPER

@LaceyNycole: *brings donuts to work* Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat. Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.

@sacca: Anyone who says "Let's all put our phones down and talk with each other," is just running out of battery and needs a charge.

@slimmy_shady: This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister

@ericsshadow: A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.