@Dadsbustednuts: I caught my employee sleeping on my office couch today. I didn't know if I should fire him, or tell him what I did on it last night.
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@ValeeGrrl: MY SON: [standing over drawer full of socks] MOMMA I CAN'T FIND ANY SOCKS ALSO MY SON: [sees one grain of pepper on his chicken] EW PEPPER
@LaceyNycole: *brings donuts to work* Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat. Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
@sacca: Anyone who says "Let's all put our phones down and talk with each other," is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
@slimmy_shady: This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister