Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
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Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.