@bridger_w: I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that's what I get for dating a raccoon.
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@WheelTod: If you're dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
@lilgapeach30: Oh you're a jogger? Good for you. I just burned 3000 calories in under 30 minutes. Can't believe I forgot that pizza was in the oven.
@curlycomedy: When people write, "your dumb," maybe it's not a typo--they just mean stupidity belongs to you. "Here's your dumb now leave."