@bridger_w: I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that's what I get for dating a raccoon.
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@Playing_Dad: Pizza Hut: Hello Me: I'd like a hot dog bites pizzas PH: Pick up or delivery? Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
@carlyken: Whoa I'm floating! Am I...dead? "No it's a dream" What a relief! Wait. Who said that? Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit Uh nobody go back to sleep
@Kris_Florio: "I'm so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there's anything I can do, just name it." "How are your resurrecting skills?"
@MrBikferd: Guys: when you're shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don't want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.