@bridger_w: I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that's what I get for dating a raccoon.
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@FatherWithTwins: Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this. 4yos: Me: 4yos: Me: 4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
@tastefactory: *watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
@internetluke: [ordering pizza alone] Yeah I'd like a large pepperoni and *changes voice* A medium sausage *changes voice again* Another large pepperoni
@briangaar: Girl, my life is full of tragedy. In 1997, my girlfriend was killed by a guy named Sephiroth. AND she was our party's only healer :(