I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
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[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Ok but actually
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
My therapist after every session
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..