I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
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me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way