I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
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“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Sing it!
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito