@FilthyRichmond: I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
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@lazerdoov: *in a job interview* No no it's not a teardrop tattoo it's supposed to be sweat. It shows I'm a hard worker
@mortimermaiden: Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty. Me: Nooooooooo. Judge: Again, you're the plaintiff. Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
@causticbob: Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it "White People"
@MartaEffing: A bead of sweat forms on my brow. And another. Intensity builds as I decide my future and embrace it. "I'll take the maple bar, please."