I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
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My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Herpes is trending, good job people
Respect
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.