Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
You Might Also Like
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Thrilling chase underway
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out