I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
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When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
*seductively peels off lederhosen
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*