@Spaced_Cowboy00: I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
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@adamochoa: freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door
@walruslifestyle: you cannot glue a tomato back together with tomato paste believe me I've tried
@Turbo_Jimmy: *Wife thumps door* "I KNOW UR IN THERE! U BLEW OUR SAVINGS ON A SHITTY INVENTION, DIDN'T U?!" NO! *furiously flushes 1000s of dog-tampons*
@Playing_Dad: If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day. If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.