Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
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No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
just left a huge legacy in there
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.