Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
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as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.