@SamGrittner: I celebrate International Women's Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their 'JUST FOR MEN' products while screaming: "NOT TODAY!"
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@Bownuggets: Hate it when I can't find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
@XplodingUnicorn: [texting] Wife: Clean out your bowels. Me: OK. Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.