I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
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when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Not today. 😅
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
And they lived apathetically ever after.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”