My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
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No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
this could fix me
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.