@theshamingofjay: I change Siri to a man's voice and now it doesn't answer any more questions and turns off for hours
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@a_man_named_JED: School says strangers are handing out lick on LSD tattoos. I told my kids not to worry, no one is giving out good shit like that for free
@daemonic3: [grocery shopping] "Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER" I'll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
@youcancallmesim: "She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it" - my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.