American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
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Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.