I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
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7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
We decided to have money instead of children.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee