I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
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Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
A completely valid reaction tbh
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
looks legit
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves