@OkieGirl405: I changed my relationship status to "I'm sharpening my knives" on Facebook so my boyfriend's family will never come visit
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@SassyTxGirl83: Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard..... Pillow fight
@jabba_jabba_jaw: Me: But God, where did the second set of footprints go? God: That's when you were dating that psycho. I wasn't sticking around for that.
@HavocMantis: *goes in bank with finger guns* This is a robbery! "no one'll take you seriously-" *switches to double barrel finger guns* "do what he says"
@Cpin42: Barista won't write "Air Bud was bullshit" on my coffee cup. We've been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL