I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
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What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
I only say stupid things when I talk.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.