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Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
concern
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what