I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
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Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.