Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
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Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.