@Brianhopecomedy: I checked my phone while I was mowing the lawn and now we don't have a garden.
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@KatieBurnett: Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
@jwoodham: We all deserve friends like the Backstreet Boys. If you ask "am I sexuaaaal?" and don't get a "yeeeeeeah!" in response, you need a new crew.
@DadandBuried: Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope's all quitty! - Nuns N' Moses (I'm so sorry)
@smirkykev: In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c'mon...even I've done THAT!"