@Brianhopecomedy: I checked my phone while I was mowing the lawn and now we don't have a garden.
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@AGreaterMonster: LOL at the neighbor kids who didn't realize I keep my piranhas in the hot tub.
@XplodingUnicorn: 6-year-old: Where did the tornado go? Me: Don't worry. It's gone. 6: To where? Me: It just disappeared 6: Isn't that a little bit fishy?
@Ideal_Victoria: On the list of things I've learned today: 1. You're not allowed to walk a police dog 2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
@geekysteven: BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it's not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip