@Brianhopecomedy: I checked my phone while I was mowing the lawn and now we don't have a garden.
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@imence2: Maybe the dinosaur extinction was a murder suicide by the T-Rex. If I couldn't jerk off because my arms were to short I'd kill everyone too.
@NicestHippo: [museum tour in the future] Racism and sexism ended in the 21st century, when brave Americans argued it out of existence online
@abhorrent_wife: I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn't remember the term "all caps".
@nealbrennan: I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.