* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
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The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)