I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
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They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Just had my nails done!
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
The little toadstool has spoken.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.