Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
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I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
#dalle2
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.