Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
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Midwest trash talk
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed